


It's Only Pain

by straeon



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: Angst, Internal Conflict, M/M, Self Harm, death (reference to katie's)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-09
Updated: 2015-03-09
Packaged: 2018-03-17 02:47:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3512333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/straeon/pseuds/straeon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Aaron and Robert after Katie's death.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Only Pain

Aaron lay in bed tightly wound up in himself. The exhaustion he felt lately he hadn’t felt for a long time. Conflicted feelings about what to do about his affair had been replaced by thoughts of what kind of man he’d even been with and how this twisted relationship had resulted in a woman’s death.

Katie’s face and voice were still so alive in Aaron’s mind,as if he had seen her today and yesterday walking around the village with her husband or joking with his own mother, as usual.

But he’d seen her doll-like body. And the resulting shock and grief.

There were so many things he could have done differently that might have prevented this. His mind went over them again and again. He rubbed at his tearful eyes furiously and grasped himself, his fingers digging in in a familiar pain that was nearly comforting - but that wasn’t enough to distract him from his more painful thoughts. But how many times had he promised his mother? He didn’t know if he could deal with that guilt on top of everything else…

Which now included what he’d done earlier in the day. He’d slept with a married man. 

Sure, he’d considered this before, earlier in their relationship, fleetingly. When he accepted it wouldn’t become that, not an affair with somebody else’s husband, it made it easier to accept what he was doing somehow. There was a line he would not cross and as long as he wasn’t that sort of person, that he knew when to stop, what he was doing wasn’t that bad.

But then he’d foolishly fallen in love. He couldn’t just stop this. It wasn’t like flipping a switch and these feelings would be gone as soon as they had been awakened by Robert’s penetrating eyes and deep kisses. So instead he had to stop the wedding, somehow.

And look what happened.

Having qualms about being with a married man seemed silly compared to being responsible for an innocent, newly married woman’s death.

At least, that’s what he told himself earlier when Robert pulled him against him, touching his face and giving him the warmth and intimacy Aaron so desperately needed right now. Those teeth dragging along the skin of his throat, his strong arms pinning Aaron against him as he straddled him and their forceful thrusts to a climax they chased more out of necessity than from anything else. Certainly not from the same feelings they had for each other which motivated this affair before the wedding, and the death…

Aaron knew he loved Robert. He needed to know that now more than ever. In some way that felt disgustingly selfish to him, it might make what happened less meaningless.

What had Robert been thinking as he fucked his secret lover? Anything at all? Or had their encounter been all about _not thinking_? What they knew together they could forget together in quick embraces in the dark.

But with the ever-multiplying guilt Aaron felt, was there really any mutual feeling in this sordid affair? Or was he being used to take on the responsibility and regret of another man so he could live happily with his wife and forget the life he’d taken?

Aaron couldn’t help but wonder whether Robert was sleeping more comfortably with his bride tonight while he was alone in his cold bed tearing himself up more than ever over something that wasn’t his fault.


End file.
